Q. I have been divorced for quite some time and have three amazing children. I met a guy who is about eight years younger than me with no children. We fell for each other pretty quickly, and he moved in after about three months of dating. Two years later, we broke up because I felt he didn’t have a backbone when it came to standing up to his family. Although my boyfriend and I were very much in love, his family rejected me.
The issue is his family HATES me and the fact that we are together. They are extremely racist and will never accept me, my biracial children, or the age difference. They refuse to meet me and have told him that if he marries me, he will be eliminated from their will. They said that my children and I will never be welcomed in their home, and that if we had a child together they would have nothing to do with it.
Knowing all of this, we stayed together for two years, broke up for a few, and have now been back together for one more year. Even as we dated other people during the two-year breakup, we couldn’t forget each other and always stayed in touch. But now that we’re back on, the same problems still exist. He’s never going to put his foot down with his family; he’s the most passive person I have ever met. He doesn’t put his foot down with anyone, but especially wants to keep the peace with them. I feel like my children and I deserve more out of a relationship, but at the same time, it’s not him, it’s them. He’s nothing like them — he is good to me and to my children.
I tell myself to focus on that and forget the rest, but it’s hard because it’s such a major issue. I don’t know what to do.Backbone
A. You do know what to do. It’s an unpleasant option, but it’s the one that’s best for you and your kids.
In order for this relationship to work, your partner needs to be able to stand up to his family — and the world — about the things that are important to him. He needs to be able to say, “These are my choices — and if you’re not in, you’re out.’’
Maybe this man doesn’t share his family’s opinions, but being good to your children means being proud to be in their lives. He must have courage around the people who make that difficult. Instead, he’s turned you and your kids into something he has to hide. What kind of example does that set?
It’s a shame because there does seem to be a lot of love here, but it’s important that the love is supported by, as you put it, a backbone.
It’s very telling, by the way, that you didn’t ask us whether your boyfriend will ever put his foot down with his family. You know that he won’t — and that’s your answer.Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
I’m sure your children are not impervious to the racial conflicts that impact the stability of your relationship. Even if his family begrudgingly allows you to join their family there will likely be remnants of their true feelings that ooze out once in a while. Do you want your kids to feel like second-class citizens around these people?
TABLEFORONE
I can’t get past the fact that you moved your children in with a guy you had only known for THREE MONTHS. Perhaps this was a red flag to his family about your judgement. DORA79
Three months of dating then moved in with you and your three children. Stopped reading right there as your decision making and judgment is unquestioned and I am sure you will do what is right.TUBTHUMPER
The problems aren’t going to go away, letter writer, no matter how many times you break up and get back together again. Your bloke is passive. His family don’t like you. These things aren’t going to change so live with it or split up permanently. Not to put too fine a point on this, but your letter gives the impression that your children come last on the list of romantic decision-making priorities when they should be first. Your man is not the only one in need of a backbone; you also need one. Moving this man (that you’ve gone on to have an on/off relationship with) into the family home after three months was not in your children’s best interests.AULDYIN
You want him to go to battle for you but it’s unlikely that will do any good — sounds like his parents are fairly despicable people — so they’re not going to change their minds and suddenly welcome you into their hearts and home. So what you really want is a moral victory. Those are hollow. If this guy loves you and your kids and you take this single greatest source of tension off the table, you may discover that your life is actually pretty good.
FINNFANN
This is a deal-breaker, right? What part of his family — the family as it is now and not how you think it should be — do you want involvement? If your boyfriend refused any family offer of financial support — now or in future — would you marry him if he asked? Could you live with that? Don’t focus on the backbone. He’s not bending to anyone’s will right now.
PINKDRINK
There are more men in the world than this one guy. Go find one of them.
ICHOR
Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@ globe.com.
