BIGGER THAN YEEZUS

This week’s hot new conspiracy theory (which is admittedly wacky in an intriguing way) suggests that David Bowie foresaw the rise of future “Starman’’ Kanye West as far back as 1972 — there’s even clear imaginary evidence right there on the cover of “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars’’ — and that he only parted with this universe in order to make room for West’s own star to shine. So, if you were wondering how Americans are coping with the whole Russia probe thing, the answer is NOT WELL AT ALL.

HURT ‘FEELINGS’

Meanwhile, this week’s hot new viral dance craze employed interpretive movement to embody a metaphor for the state of our national discourse. Oh wait — sorry. I completely misread that, it's actually jumping out of a car while it's still moving so you can dance to a Drake song. My bad. The #kekechallenge, as it’s become known online and in emergency rooms across the country, involves exiting a car while it’s still in motion to perform a dance to Drake’s runaway hit “In My Feelings,’’ first posted by comedian Shiggy, who — cool thing to note — did not jump out of a moving car to do it. The resultant videos/insurance exhibits are . . . just wow. And the trend has picked up so much speed that the National Transportation Safety Board had to get out in front of it — which, coincidentally is also the next viral dance craze.

OLD GOLD

Also in music, this week’s hot new hashtag required stripping both hotness and newness from your favorite hits in order to #MakeASongOldTimey, and the tweetlode feels like a return to a kinder, gentler era of Internetty giggles. Some particularly good ones: “We Didn’t Know How to Start the Fire,’’ “The Summer of (18)69,’’ “99 problems but my britches ain't one,’’ “Stuck in the Middle Ages With You,’’ and of course, “You Must Do Battle for Your Privilege of Celebrations.’’ (You get the daguerreotype.) Bonus points if you can leap from a horse-drawn carriage while lip-synching one. 

CANARD WARNING

And finally, the hot new reminder that nothing is real is the sad news that, no, a cat did not actually perch on top of a duck to hitch a ride across a river. Sorry.  The picture going around Twitter was (a really bad) Photoshop job. I know. As a big proponent of interspecies cooperation and as someone committed to innovative public transit solutions, I wanted to believe it too. Here’s the thing: If the picture of a cat riding atop a duck threw you, I’m just going to ask that you maybe ramp up your baseline level of skepticism just the tiniest smidge, because I have a feeling we’re gonna need it. Or we can just accept Kanye as our savior and be done with it. Whichevs.

MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR

Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at mbrodeur@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter: @MBrodeur.