The headline sounded so promising: “New Barbie dolls to include additional body types, skin tones’’ (pictured).

I know I should be feeling #blessed that Barbie will be available in seven skin tones, 22 eye colors, 24 hairstyles, and a new “curvy’’ size, but with all due respect to Mattel’s marketing department, the new Barbies don’t dive deep enough into real America.

Mattel, on the next go-around, may I suggest these Barbies:

Bad Hair Barbie. Think limp hair and split ends, and even though her friends and husband won’t admit they can tell, it’s definitely thinning. Unlike I’ve Given Up Barbie, Bad Hair Barbie throws money at the problem — think pricey keratin treatments and French thickening mousse. Her stylist’s promises aside, nothing helps.

I’ve Given Up Barbie. Forget the cute outfits you’ve come to expect from Barbie. This Barbie wears (non-Lululemon) yoga pants — not to be stylish but because her jeans don’t fit. She had a decent winter hat, but she lost it, and was recently spotted wearing her son’s hat. Comes with a teeth-bleaching kit, but she’s too lazy to use it.

Shoulda Worn Sunscreen on My Neck Barbie. Just how she sounds. This Barbie wears turtlenecks from September through June, and scarves in July and August. Like Bad Hair Barbie, she spends a lot on products that prove to be useless. Comes with middle-aged friends.

Transfat Barbie. Encouraged that Mattel is making a curvy, more realistically proportioned Barbie, Transfat Barbie pays no attention to nutrition or healthy eating. Hangs out with Gluten-Loading Barbie.

I Can’t Read This Damn Menu Barbie. Comes with a tiny pink flashlight and a pair of leopard print reading glasses, both of which Barbie is too embarrassed to use at restaurants, forcing her to order whatever Ken does.

Beth Teitell can be reached at bteitell@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @bethteitell.