Q: I’ve had several interviews with the CEO and staff of a startup that I’d be excited to join. These interviews have gone well, and I was confident I’d get the offer. Yesterday, the CEO invited me to dinner — with both of our spouses. Is this some sort of test? Is my spouse being interviewed as well? I don’t want to miss this opportunity, but I’ve never been in this situation. Is this normal?
A: Yes, this is normal and yes, it is a test. In a way, your spouse is being interviewed. Most likely, you’re being considered for an executive position, and the organization wants to know more about you: What your life outside of work is like, how you treat family, if you’re going to have support at home, and if you’re someone they would be comfortable bringing into the community as a representative of the company. For better or for worse, your spouse is reflective of you, so consider this a live background check.
This situation often occurs when it’s senior level role, and especially if a relocation is involved. Companies want to meet a candidate’s spouse because spouses are usually the biggest obstacle to a major job change. If the company is a startup, you’re probably looking at long hours and an “all hands on deck’’ culture, so the CEO wants to make sure your spouse understands the demands of the role and is supportive of that. Part of the goal of this dinner is to win your spouse over and see if there are any roadblocks to you accepting the position.
You owe it to your spouse to prepare him or her for the dinner. Provide pictures of key players so your spouse can put a name to a face, make sure he or she can pronounce any difficult names, and — most importantly — ensure that your spouse feels comfortable speaking positively about your excitement and commitment. This is not the time to air grievances or display a sarcastic sense of humor about married life. Find out as much as you can about any potentially sensitive topics that might come up (politics, religion), and if there are any areas you think are off limits. Give your spouse a way to turn the conversation over to you without causing any discomfort.
There also are some practical considerations: Don’t drink too much and don’t order spaghetti. The rules of etiquette are very important in this situation, so refresh your knowledge ahead of time. Know whose water glass and bread plate is whose and what fork to use with salad. These may seem like small things, but they are noticeable and make a difference. I’ve known people who didn’t get job offers because of improper table manners. You can also take cues from your dinner companions. If they order a glass of wine, then it’s appropriate to also have a glass — but don’t start suggesting expensive bottles or rounds of martinis.
As the guest, you’ll likely have to order first, but you don’t want to order the most — or least — expensive meal on the menu. Ask your host “Have you eaten here before? What do you recommend? What are you interested in?’’ They will often take the lead and say something like “I’m going to order the salmon,’’ so follow their guidance and order something in a similar vein.
Enjoy the dinner, but do take steps to prepare yourself and your spouse for a seamless evening.
Elaine Varelas is managing partner at Keystone Partners, a career management firm in Boston, and serves on the board of Career Partners International.
