Q.I’m a 28-year-old guy in serious relationship with the only woman I’ve ever had sex with. We met 2½ years ago. Anyway, the issue is pretty simple on the surface: My girlfriend and I are planning on moving in together and I have been battling worries and fears about whether it’s the right move.
The reasons for those fears and worries aren’t as simple, and I’m not sure I totally understand it, but at some level it mainly has to do with my fear that I have not had the experiences I need to have, namely sexually. I love my girlfriend, and there is no one else I want to be with in serious relationship with, but I am still constantly wondering what it would be like to be with other women or how I’d be now if I’d taken advantage of opportunities I had earlier in my life. I can’t help but wonder if I truly know what I want in a relationship and a partner since I’ve only ever been with her. I thought these worries and concerns would recede as our relationship got more serious, but instead, if anything, they’ve intensified. I don’t know if it’s just noise and I’m freaking myself out, or whether it’s something really I need to deal with, perhaps by putting the brakes on the moving in.
Hoping you can shed a little light on this.Feeling confused
and uncertain
A.You shouldn’t move in. Not with these kind of doubts.
You also shouldn’t maintain the status quo. If you decide not to move in, you must be open to leaving the relationship. You can’t make sense of these fears and desires if you’re still committed to one person. Your girlfriend is going to want to know why you’re stalling the move, and you’ll have to tell her. This decision will probably mean going your separate ways.
I wish I could tell you that it’s just noise. I mean, maybe it is, but the noise is loud, so how can you ignore it? Some people can make peace with coupling up before they’ve had much experience. They know they’ve found something great, so it’s probably worth preserving. But that’s not you. You say you love your girlfriend, but not enough to accept that you’ll miss out on others. Be good to her and tell her what’s on your mind, sooner than later.
Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
Put the brakes on moving in together, and see if she’ll agree to a Rumspringa year for the both of you.
LUCILLEVANPELT
You say it’s about lack of sexual experience, but you also say that it’s about whether you even know what a relationship should feel like. That second part tells me that you already know the relationship maybe isn’t the best. Wanting sexual diversity is a red herring here. Do not move in together. Figure out what you think is lacking in your current relationship and see if the issue is fixable. If not, break up.
BLISTERED-TOE
What prevented you from having these experiences before meeting your girlfriend? And will the reasons that prevented you before meeting her become an issue again if you break up with her?
DORA79
If you have only been with one woman by the time you are 28 you are probably not the guy who has a lot of options. You should probably stick with what you have or end up with no women. NOTSOFRESHPRINCE
Many letter writers here have talked of “taking a break’’ for awhile. Do that. You need to do a lot of comparison shopping before signing on the line. If after some substantial strange you are then pining for your gf, see if she’s willing to put things back together. (And obviously, she gets to have as much strange as she’d like, too.)
STAUGUSTINE
Is your GF boring in bed? If so, educate her instead of running about trying to get into everyone else’s panties.
THE_BRIDE
You say nothing positive about the relationship, which I find concerning. There is no indication that you’re happy at all. I think your anxieties about it are a little unfounded — lots and lots of people settle down with the first person they’re with, and have happy, healthy lives — but if you don’t think you’re one of those people, you’ll probably just psych yourself out and won’t be able to be happy. And you should tell her that.
OBJECTIVETHIRD
PARTYOBSERVER
This won’t be a popular sentiment but I really think you should go out and have a fling, a one nighter type deal (safely). See if it clears your mind. If you love your girl, you’re going to find that sex just for sex can often be disappointing. It’s often not as intense as you think it will be in your mind, and it may just reinforce that you should stay with your girlfriend . . . or not. :-) MYANSWERIII
This came up somewhat recently for my good friends who are a couple and have been together for a few years. The dude hasn’t only been with his girlfriend, but he’s only been with one or two other people while she’s been with a lot more. He told her about his worries and honestly, she was pretty hurt, but didn’t want to break up so they talked about his concerns. Finally the chick half conceded that they could try an open relationship. You know what happened? Immediately the chick was getting offers from all angles. I don’t think the guy even approached anyone or was approached before he started getting jealous. Presto, closed relationship, and now they’re stronger than ever like 6 months down the line.
ELLEEM
I know everyone is supposed to be equal and exactly the same these days, but I really feel like this is a question that needs a man’s perspective. HARRYSTRUMAN
Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@ globe.com.
