Q.I’m 26 and my boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me because he said he can’t trust me. He was unfaithful to me twice. I caught him with evidence. As always, he denied he ever did anything wrong. I forgave him both times. He wasn’t a bad man in the sense that he mistreated me. He just always made the wrong decisions, only being 24. I love him and always tried to see the positive. He loves my 2-year-old daughter.
Over a recent weekend, though, he had some beers at my house and went right to sleep. I’ve always had my doubts about him cheating on me again, so I unlocked his phone. I saw many pictures of the girl he cheated on me with the second time. He only had one picture of me, his girlfriend. I also found a lot of other flirtatious conversations with other women on his messenger and WhatsApp. I deleted all the pictures he had of that girl, as well as some others. The next day, when he opened his phone and realized I had gotten into it, he was very upset, but we spent the day doing errands.
I was feeling very sad and down, because once more I felt let down by him. Later that night, I went out with my mother and daughter, and he stayed at my house claiming he wasn’t feeling well. I got home around 10 p.m. and he was already sleeping. The next morning he leaves around 6 a.m. and just says “BYE.’’ A day later he texted me saying we should break up because we don’t trust each other. I never broke up with him and he failed me more than once. It just hurts so much for him to break up with me — just because I went through his phone.
I feel terrible because I do love him. What should I do?
Heartbroken
after the Holidays
A.“It just hurts so much for him to break up with me — just because I went through his phone. . .’’
That’s like . . . between 1 and 10 percent of why he broke up with you. I’d bet that the main reason he said “BYE’’ is that he got caught. He knew that the game was up and that he’d have to change his behavior. Clearly he doesn’t want to stop messaging these women. The breakup was for the best because he did not want to reciprocate your commitment.
I’m not letting you off the hook for checking his phone, by the way. Breaking into someone’s accounts is never OK. In the future, when you find yourself wanting to dip into a partner’s messages, stop and think about whether your issues can be addressed without snooping. Remind yourself that when you check someone’s phone without their permission, you’re pretty much looking for a reason to let go.
Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
He cheated on you twice. You should have said BYE to him then. Move on, you’ll be fine. Count your blessings.
JACKIEFORREAL
Deleting pictures of the girl doesn’t wipe her from the face of the earth.
MCDIMMERSON
You need to stop dating until you build some self-respect. Then you’ll need to work on insisting upon being treated with respect by your partner. Otherwise you’re likely to end up with another guy who uses you for a while and then bails. This is a very bad model for your daughter and if you want her to not repeat your mistakes then you need to change.
JIMIJAZZ
So let me get this straight. You “forgave’’ him but he never apologized? He never even admitted he was cheating? So how exactly did you forgive him? Did you just start pretending it never happened?
HIDE THE SILVER
This is the reason why I use my big toe to gain access to my iPhone, instead of my finger. That way if she tries to access it while I am sleeping by putting the phone on my thumb, she is out of luck.SGTASCHUSMC
I don’t like WhatsApp because it tells the other person when you’ve read their message. That gets me in trouble.
ELLEEM
Consider yourself lucky he’s gone and move on with your life. Maybe you don’t think you deserve better than a cheater who somehow blames you, but your daughter does. He does not love either one of you, so stop caring about him.ASH
Being 24 isn’t an excuse for “always making the wrong decisions.’’ There are actually people in their 20s who make the right decisions and won’t cheat on you. And basically you gave him license to keep cheating on you when you caught him red-handed twice yet continued dating him. It would be one thing if he admitted it and apologized and actually didn’t do it the second time, but his response was to deny it despite whatever evidence you found. So that’s why you always had doubts about him. He is actually correct here — you don’t trust each other. You can’t believe that he won’t cheat and now he knows that you will spy on him. This shouldn’t be the kind of relationship that you want. Your standards are way too low.LEGALLYLIZ
Sadly, he leveraged his misbehavior to make you the bad guy. I suspect he’s rarely if ever responsible. The problem is . . . now you aren’t trustworthy, either.FSMITH95112
News flash: You can love someone passionately and not spend your life with them. Some guys are easy to love but impossible to live with.
3XMOMMA
Snooping is wrong, but there is so much deceit out there, and a little snooping can save a person months or even years dedicated to a cheating jerk!N1K
Imagine your daughter coming to you with this scenario? What would you tell her to do?
SASSYSADIE
Happily ever after, this ain’t.
WIZEN
Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein @globe.com.
