Q. I was recently on a cross-country vacation with my wife and kids, including our 6-year-old son. We planned on being away for an entire month, staying with relatives along the way. Our trip lasted less than a week!
Almost immediately, our trip went from excitement to disaster. While staying with a relative, our son came to us crying. He told us that one of my close female relatives, who is a few years older than he, began to play “mommy and daddy’’ with him. She laid on top of him and kissed him. He told us the same story twice, but no longer wants to talk about it!
I told her parents about this and we left their home.
Amy, what do I do now? He is the same outgoing boy, but will this have a lasting consequence on his life? Will counseling help, or traumatize him by bringing it up again?
Very Concerned Vacationer
A. Your son did the right thing — he came to you immediately about this very upsetting incident. You also did the right thing, to notify the parents and to remove your child from the scene.
I hope the other child’s parents also do the right thing, which is to dive in and deal with their daughter’s behavior. This is not an episode of two young children “playing doctor.’’ This is an older child forcing herself upon a younger child. This is extremely worrying sexualized behavior (it could spring from an experience she has had or witnessed) and the girl’s parents must deal with it.
The fact that you all handled this appropriately might have lessened the impact on your son. On the other hand, the drama of leaving, and your upset reactions might signal to him that he is not OK. (Could you perhaps have left this home, but continued on with your other vacation plans?)
This is tricky because you want to continue to talk about it — if he wants to — but you don’t want him to ruminate on it. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, I don’t think you should force him to. He used his own power — the power to report — very well, and you should make sure he knows you are proud of him. The lesson to him is, “When scary things happen to me, my parents will help me to handle them.’’
It would be wise for you two parents to meet with a family counselor on your own to receive expert professional advice on how to handle this moving forward.
Q. Our new son-in-law, “Brad,’’ is in his mid-30s. He seems like a nice person, but several times during big family dinners he has announced he doesn’t like the food I’ve cooked. He gives no particular reason; he just doesn’t like it, and he lets everyone know as we’re sitting around the table that he doesn’t like it. I’m left apologizing to him.
This last time he rejected my marinated flank steak, a longtime family favorite. Before that he complained about Thanksgiving dinner. He doesn’t like turkey. Who knew?
What is my obligation here? I want to please my guests, but how much must I cater to him?
I hate to stop serving family favorite dishes. But I also don’t want to serve them and have him feel as though I’m being insensitive. Nor do I want to cook him separate meals because that could start a slippery slope if they have kids.
Perplexed MIL
A. “Brad’’ has called you out, publicly. You should speak to him about this, privately. Say, “Brad, I’m pretty embarrassed when you say you don’t like the food I cook. I want you to be able to eat with us, so if you could suggest some things you like to eat, I’ll try to incorporate them into our meal the next time we get together.’’
Otherwise, if the rest of the group (and you) love what you do, then keep on doing it. Brad may have to pack his own meal of hand-picked favorites.
Q. My heart dropped at the question posed by “Undecided’’: “Is there ever a right way to ask someone of childbearing years if they plan to have children?’’ As someone struggling with infertility, my knee-jerk reaction is to say, “NO. NEVER.’’
Since we don’t live in a perfect world, I’d like to advise that anyone who asks be aware that it is none of their business. It’s an invasive question.
Been There
A. Absolutely.
Amy Dickinson can be reached at askamy@amydickinson.com.
