Q. I broke up with my boyfriend of about two years for two reasons. The first was distance. We just aren’t great when we’re apart, and I’m still in school while he’s graduated. We’re not terribly far from each other, but I don’t feel emotionally close when we aren’t physically together.
The second was feelings for someone else (or really, multiple people over the course of a few months, but one especially). My boyfriend was really devastated and shocked and wanted to try to work things out, and suggested lots of ways we could change our relationship. I said no to trying to work it out because I felt sure I wanted this breakup. I’d thought about it for a couple of months. I figured a clean break was less cruel than dragging it out when I knew I didn’t want to be with him.
Of course, regret set in. I started seeing this other guy, who’s great, but I still think about my ex all the time (I’ve been clear with the other guy about all of my feelings). Every day, I fight the urge to call him and ask him to get back together. I don’t, because I really don’t want to hurt him more and confuse him. The conditions haven’t changed — we’d still be apart. I still feel a lot of attraction to other people. So I fear that we’d just break up down the road.
How normal is this regret? How long should I wait it out? It’s been less than a month, so I’m aware that it’s probably normal to miss someone at this point, but when is it enough to get back together?
Regretful
A. It’s been less than a month? That’s barely a breakup. You’re just getting used to your new routine without him. Wouldn’t it be weird if after a few weeks you didn’t miss him at all?
Please give yourself time — like maybe months — to adjust to being a single person. Get used to seeing friends instead of a boyfriend. Know that it might feel weird to be alone.
Also be open to the grief that comes with losing a good friend. Because he was, right?
You’re doing the right thing — you know this. Don’t be tempted to second-guess your decision just because you’re experiencing human feelings. And try not to get a new boyfriend right away or you’ll wind up with the same problem all over again.
This will feel better — or different, at least — over time. Whenever you have the urge to text or call your ex, call a platonic companion. Get used to it.
Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
I remember reading an article where this neurologist was saying how our brains are wired to make sure we remain connected to a mate. He wrote that multiple reward circuits in our noggins are involved in the attachment process. When we break up, the “reward’’ experience is gone, only to be replaced by a painful sense of loss. It feels a bit like going through withdrawal from several drugs all at once. And the one thing that can take all that pain away is being together with the ex again. ... Long story short, once you make it through this “withdrawal’’ process, you’ll be just fine and better equipped to choose someone compatible with you.
SASSIESADIE
Stop “being clear’’ with this new guy you are seeing. He should not be the person that you talk to regarding feelings about your breakup. Find a better confidante, like a good friend, and refrain from saying every thought about your ex to this guy you are seeing.
JESSOPOTAMIA
Date people casually and focus on yourself and your own life. Do not use your ex as a security blanket. That’s all I got. PENSEUSE
Almost all breakups are sad, even the ones you initiate. Let your ex boyfriend move on.
THENURSE
All of this is normal. But what your letter screams to me is that you really should break up with this current guy as well. You really should just try being single and figuring out what you really want for awhile.
THATJNEENGIRL
Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.
