Q. I have been dating a wonderful man for almost two years, and we love each other deeply. However, he has two children with his ex-wife, and they don’t know I exist. I can’t continue much longer in the shadows. I love kids, and because he doesn’t want more, I am giving up any chance I may have had to be a mother by choosing to be with him (I was 37 when we met, and I am now 39). Though I find it daunting, I would be content to be a stepparent, and would be totally devoted to his children if entrusted with that role. I don’t expect that to happen right away; I would just like to slowly and casually get to know them. He (sort of) agrees, but is unable to take that step. He tells me that he is “working through things.’’ He claims that he is “protecting his kids,’’ and he also says “my kids would love you.’’

This weekend he is going to a celebration where he will be with his ex-wife and children. I am not welcome, and he sees no problem with my exclusion. He spends holidays with her, their children, and her parents. They broke up six months before we got together because of her infidelity. He asked me out when they were separated, and at 37, I decided to expand my horizons and take a chance. I don’t regret it, and I know that he loves me, but at this point, I’m dangling by the end of my rope. Any advice is welcome.

In the Shadows

A. This doesn’t work. Not after two years together, not when it means you have to be part of a lie. I don’t know why he thinks it’ll be easier to tell his family about you later. How will they feel if they find out that you’ve been around for years?

I know you love him, but if he can’t bring you around at this point, you need to consider leaving the relationship to find someone who’s ready. Please note that I’m not suggesting an ultimatum; this isn’t about making demands. All you’ll be saying is that you’re at a place in life where you can’t accept living in the shadows. You want more, and it’s not fair to either of you to maintain the uncomfortable status quo.

Maybe he’ll have ideas on how this can work, but go into the conversation assuming that he won’t. He’s still “working through’’ things, but you’re on a different schedule. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes timing is everything.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

TWO YEARS? Whatever he is “working through’’ shouldn’t take him two years. End this and move on, because clearly you’re not a priority. There’s no future with a guy who keeps you a secret.MMNNEE

The reason people don’t introduce their kids to their boyfriends and girlfriends is that they don’t want them to get attached if the relationship goes south. He doesn’t know if you’re the one. Stop making this so easy for him.

VALENTINO---

Just from a basic human behavior perspective, if his story were true — that she cheated on him, and the marriage ended as a result — he should WANT her to know he’s moved on and is dating someone else . . . unless, of course, he’s harboring hope that she might take him back. And I think that, sadly, is the most likely explanation for how he’s acting.RAFIBOMB

Are you sure they divorced?

THENURSE

You sound like a nice lady. Please do yourself a favor and find someone else that appreciates you more than this guy. He’s not horrible — you just deserve better.FLORIDACYNIC

You’ve lasted longer than I did. I reached the end of my rope after 10 months. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like at TWO YEARS. It was a heartbreaking decision to make but ultimately my heart wanted more than he could give so I had to move on. No one really “wins’’ in a situation like this but maybe your guy will come to his senses. Either way, you need to let him know how you’re feeling, see how he responds and then take the action that supports your needs.

ALLTHELOVE

If I were you, I’d end this charade and move on. Compartmentalizing people in your life to this degree is a pretty primitive and unhealthy way of handling things. He just doesn’t have the skills to manage the situation properly and there is no evidence that this is going to change anytime soon. Guess who pays the price in the meantime by being nonexistent? You. Guess who is making this really convenient for him with nothing in return? You. What he is doing is not healthy and he is not treating you as enough of a priority in this situation. You can do better than that, I’m sure.

SEXUAL-CHOCOLATE

Honestly, I can’t tell from your letter whether you really care for this man or whether you see him as a ticket to motherhood, but stepchildren are not very likely to fill your desire for motherhood. They might, but that’s incredibly unlikely, particularly given their father’s disinclination to include you in their lives.

JUST-ANOTHER-BOSTONIAN

It’s a hard situation to be in. I lasted three years and his kids were adults. Never met the brothers or sisters or any friends. Could not go out in public together. After the third Thanksgiving of eating alone, that was it for me. It just wasn’t the type of relationship that I could continue. As time moved on, I started feeling that it was me and that I wasn’t good enough for a real relationship. If the issue creates more frustration for you, it’s not worth it. Focus on you and what you want.

42GIANTS

You’re 39, it’s been 2 years and you’re still parked on a side street. What else needs to be said?SUOMI

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.